1. The History of Empire

Where we are part of the G7 and one of the worlds most economic powers, the current of our society is bubbling over with the history of empiricism. The penetration of our tiny islands influence into the vast expanses of Africa, Asia and the

2. Daytime Television

Jeremy Kyle? Constructive television?

3. Futility

Never has there been such escapism in this country. The games industry is booming, serialised television has increased its audiences, sport is made out to be a matter of life and death. We can’t bear the truth anymore, it’s just too depressing. We’ve constructed a material fantasy world for ourselves, only in fleeting moments do we acknowledge it.

Forget about world hysteria as stockpiles of nuclear arms build up and go unaccounted for, forget about stockpiles of bonds and shares whizzing around the global capitalist market, forget about stockpiles of cheap microwave meals as families ready themselves for impending doom. Unwanted christmas presents are a much more material threat than any weapon of mass destruction – they sadden us, guilt trip us and essentially worry us. Their effects are immediate and the situation is dire.

 Christmas is supposedly a joyful momentous occasion, but its aftermath is bloody. In amongst all the pleasantries and the rich food, lurks the subconscious restrained voice of a lunatic screaming: “why on earth have you got me that!!!?” However, we love to think that we’re immaterial and that its only the thought that counts. We’re wrong. Someplace, somewhere, our mind bitterly searches for an explanation for the purpose of such gifts.  Every year we get stuff we simply don’t want. It adds up. We stuff it into drawers, we hide it under beds, it builds up and it congeals. It oozes out of containment like a freshly gaping sore. It causes mental pain. “Oh the guilt! I cannot stand it, I should have told them, I should pass it on to charity, I don’t want to hurt them.” Why care so much about an animal shaped corkscrew? That person went to no real effort. They copped out and so should you. Take your unwanted gifts to charity, bring down the commercial engine, wage your own little revolutionary war.  

Rubbish Christmas presents!

Ridiculed for years, scorned for generations, stereotyped mercilessly – is our food really that bad? Our restaurants get five Michelin stars for heavens sake! They must be doing something right, surely?  

I am of the opinion that the English traditional Sunday roast is perhaps the best meal in the world. A purveyor of the roast, it has been the one meal I miss most in prolonged travels abroad. A tender joint of meat, nice roast potatoes, fresh vegetables and the best British food of all; the yorkshire pudding. I couldn’t believe my eyes when a recent American visitor left the yorkshire pudding wanting on his otherwise ravaged plate. “I thought it was just some kind of bread” he proclaimed to utter sighs.

This is a great article! Some of the ways these inventions came about are crazy! Potato chips created by a vengeful chef? You couldn’t dream up such explanations. This has lead me to wonder how on earth some of the most pointless inventions in the world came to exist. How about leaf blowers? They just move a mess from one place to another without actually solving the problem. Aerobic steppers? Can’t you just use a few bricks, or better still some existing purposeful steps?

 Leaf Blower - Pointless!

Ah Pantomimes! Never a more hotly disputed art than that of the cliche-laden, audience-engaging, man-in-drag featuring panto. These scared me as a kid with their vibrancy and liberalism, but I have to say that a viewing two years ago at my local village hall swiftly turned my emotional tide. The commercial juggernaut panto featuring C-list celebs does little to tickle the senses and one has to question whether they would go out of their way to impede their lives with such crass banality. Kirsten from Childrens BBC? Brian Blessed? Are they deliberately trying to turn people away from the theatre? Pantomimes are a nice tradition but one in which I am not quite sure how to respond.

Man-made objects can sometimes be a glory and a bane to behold. However, you are correct in observing how over ambition is an interesting thing. These glories are not just London’s alone but look at some of our other European neighbours. Barcelona’s Sagrada de Familia is a monument in size, scale and ambition but a century after its conception it still remains a work in progress. Lamenting the idea of what could have been sometimes leads to a bit of desensitising for what we already have. Wembley is a symbol of completed ambition but it seems a little tame to those abandoned plans you mention.

Whilst taking a stroll down my neighbourhood lane I chanced upon a new and delightful little council addition. Unexpectedly, I found each concurrent lamp-post the host to this most fearsome little notice.

So, it now appears that dog fouling is the most ill respected of crimes in the British realm, punishment by death. Or so this sign would have it. I for one have always been aware of the consequence of dog faeces and would expect the most unintelligent of people to recognise its nastiness. Are so many signs really that necessary?  “Children won’t be able to play on grassy areas if it is covered in dog mess”. “Dog faeces may contain worms which can cause serious eye disorders and even blindness”. How does one get into that degree of close contact with dog poo? They must they be rolling around on the ground smearing dirt into their faces. It seems a little extreme. The facts provided are enough to make any innocent passer-by quake in their boots at the thought of next frolicking around on unkempt public lawns in the dead of winter. 

It is these kind of scare mongering tactics that our government is trying to employ to scare the hell out of us. Ok, so I admit I’m being little sarcastic, these new measures don’t appear to be particularly extreme. Will they even work? Is it really that much of a problem? Shouldn’t our government be employing signs that bear more weight with the problems in our society? How about signs reminding people not to burglarize other people’s homes? How about signs reminding hoodies not to terrorize passers-by?

Having recently visited the little known Booth Museum of natural history, what greeted me was nothing short of a bizarre nightmare. Inside, hall after hall of exquisitely stuffed animals holds testament to the well esteemed Victorian craft of taxidermy. What results for the visitor is a brief step back in time to 19th Century Britain. Whilst wondering its eerie halls one eventually stumbles upon a reconstructed (but apparently accurate) Victorian sitting room which holds testament to the most gruesome treasure of all…..

An apparently fossilized merman. So it would appear that those traditionalist Victorians  have a sense of humour after all! This merman looked like he would have been a delightful chap in his day, full of nautical tales and stories for all his grandchildren. Why a Victorian would want this in their sitting room is anyone’s guess. Apparently they were transfixed with discoveries from the New World and liked to show their exuberance by displaying as many artifacts as possible to frequenting visitors. It seems one upstanding Victorian made a bit of a blunder with this acquisition.

In fact there general taste in art is just a bit too dark. Lions mounted on walls? Eagles stuffed in cabinets? Crazy smoking card-playing squirrels! It looks like one generation was at the Opium a bit too much. Victorians are plain weird.

 A Golden Eagle - everyone’s favourite mantlepiece decoration.

 Lions heads - available in Matalan and all good department stores.