- Why tuning into Sky Sports News terrifies the living daylights out of me with its constant assertion of playing the doom laden soundtrack to Requiem for a Dream. All I want to do is to simply find out the identity of the most recent Man Utd player being done for rape or to check out Brian Barwick’s pathetic jowl laden face…
- Why I can’t penetrate into the psyche of the ever elusive Moira Stewart. Seriously, when she reads the news I can no longer listen, only to become mesmerized by her Demon Headmaster gaze which is urging me to carry out sexually despicable acts on Huw Edwards…
- Why programs like ‘Can Fat Teens Hunt?’ continue to exist. Watching obese, mammary gland wielding male teenagers bawl their eyes out in denial of junk food is tantamount to presenting Vietcong torture methods live on TV. Can we not continue to live plentiful lives without having to question whether they can hunt or not?
- Why more people don’t listen to Charlie Brooker in his show Screen Wipe. The man’s a genius. Everything that comes out of his fire breathing cakehole is nothing short of the absolute truth. Read Dawn of the Dumb, a collection of his Screen Burn commentaries about the pathetic state of English TV of which includes an article doling out Brooker’s end of year TV awards: “The award for the show Most Impervious to Criticism goes to Jamie’s School Dinners in which Sir Flappy-Tonged Bumface himself saved the lives of millions of children – or so it seemed, given the orgy of self-fellating middle-class rapture that followed.” Spot on…
- Why people watch TV soaps. They must be the most deadening, suicide inspiring things on TV where you see blocks of wood stealing each other’s partners, killing each other and consequentially defecating over each other’s corpses. Truly repugnant….
- Why they insist on bringing back Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Everything that could possibly be done on these shows has been done, no one watches them anymore. The only thing that would work is if they combined both shows in some sort of cannibalistic, wood cabin nightmare deep in the Australian rainforest, where racism is let loose and the show ends my feeding Ant and Dec to the hungry contestants…