1. The History of Empire

Where we are part of the G7 and one of the worlds most economic powers, the current of our society is bubbling over with the history of empiricism. The penetration of our tiny islands influence into the vast expanses of Africa, Asia and the

2. Daytime Television

Jeremy Kyle? Constructive television?

3. Futility

Never has there been such escapism in this country. The games industry is booming, serialised television has increased its audiences, sport is made out to be a matter of life and death. We can’t bear the truth anymore, it’s just too depressing. We’ve constructed a material fantasy world for ourselves, only in fleeting moments do we acknowledge it.

 Christmas is supposedly a joyful momentous occasion, but its aftermath is bloody. In amongst all the pleasantries and the rich food, lurks the subconscious restrained voice of a lunatic screaming: “why on earth have you got me that!!!?” However, we love to think that we’re immaterial and that its only the thought that counts. We’re wrong. Someplace, somewhere, our mind bitterly searches for an explanation for the purpose of such gifts.  Every year we get stuff we simply don’t want. It adds up. We stuff it into drawers, we hide it under beds, it builds up and it congeals. It oozes out of containment like a freshly gaping sore. It causes mental pain. “Oh the guilt! I cannot stand it, I should have told them, I should pass it on to charity, I don’t want to hurt them.” Why care so much about an animal shaped corkscrew? That person went to no real effort. They copped out and so should you. Take your unwanted gifts to charity, bring down the commercial engine, wage your own little revolutionary war.  

Rubbish Christmas presents!

I am of the opinion that the English traditional Sunday roast is perhaps the best meal in the world. A purveyor of the roast, it has been the one meal I miss most in prolonged travels abroad. A tender joint of meat, nice roast potatoes, fresh vegetables and the best British food of all; the yorkshire pudding. I couldn’t believe my eyes when a recent American visitor left the yorkshire pudding wanting on his otherwise ravaged plate. “I thought it was just some kind of bread” he proclaimed to utter sighs.

 Leaf Blower - Pointless!

Whilst taking a stroll down my neighbourhood lane I chanced upon a new and delightful little council addition. Unexpectedly, I found each concurrent lamp-post the host to this most fearsome little notice.

So, it now appears that dog fouling is the most ill respected of crimes in the British realm, punishment by death. Or so this sign would have it. I for one have always been aware of the consequence of dog faeces and would expect the most unintelligent of people to recognise its nastiness. Are so many signs really that necessary?  “Children won’t be able to play on grassy areas if it is covered in dog mess”. “Dog faeces may contain worms which can cause serious eye disorders and even blindness”. How does one get into that degree of close contact with dog poo? They must they be rolling around on the ground smearing dirt into their faces. It seems a little extreme. The facts provided are enough to make any innocent passer-by quake in their boots at the thought of next frolicking around on unkempt public lawns in the dead of winter. 

It is these kind of scare mongering tactics that our government is trying to employ to scare the hell out of us. Ok, so I admit I’m being little sarcastic, these new measures don’t appear to be particularly extreme. Will they even work? Is it really that much of a problem? Shouldn’t our government be employing signs that bear more weight with the problems in our society? How about signs reminding people not to burglarize other people’s homes? How about signs reminding hoodies not to terrorize passers-by?

An apparently fossilized merman. So it would appear that those traditionalist Victorians  have a sense of humour after all! This merman looked like he would have been a delightful chap in his day, full of nautical tales and stories for all his grandchildren. Why a Victorian would want this in their sitting room is anyone’s guess. Apparently they were transfixed with discoveries from the New World and liked to show their exuberance by displaying as many artifacts as possible to frequenting visitors. It seems one upstanding Victorian made a bit of a blunder with this acquisition.

In fact there general taste in art is just a bit too dark. Lions mounted on walls? Eagles stuffed in cabinets? Crazy smoking card-playing squirrels! It looks like one generation was at the Opium a bit too much. Victorians are plain weird.

 A Golden Eagle - everyone’s favourite mantlepiece decoration.

 Lions heads - available in Matalan and all good department stores.

This year I am going to be more positive. However, it’s only been a few hours into the New Year and here I am having failed miserably. I’m already moaning about the futility of making a new year’s resolution and bemoaning Brits nationwide for making them. Recently a BBC website journalist posted their new year’s resolutions on the H2g2 page (http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/A30303488). Wish number five is: “Get rid of gloomy thoughts/banish fear and hate from my heart/be a good friend to many people”. Pah! Impossible. There is no such thing as a fixed cure to for banishing hate and fear from ones heart, it is a matter of progression. The clock won’t just strike twelve and the all the hate and fear disappears forever. Please be a little more realistic with your goals! The sentiment is nice, but the inevitable failure will just leave you gloomier than ever before.

Look around the internet, dig a little deeper. Cue more resolutions. In flood the usual suspects: “spend more time at home and less time at work”, “Lose weight” etc. What does this say about the British mentality! Are we all so discontent with ourselves? Are we all so selfish that our resolutions can only be restricted to improving our own lives? I look abroad, more prevalent are the messages promoting peace to the world and a year of good fortune. Have we got our new year’s heads screwed on right? Let’s be a little more globally concerned!